[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.