Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
is this store having a stroke wtf
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.