“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.