ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
You Might Also Like
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Home #decor warning.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?