My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”