One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Labreador
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“You’d better run, egg!”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10