[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.