“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?