My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go