My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)