(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times