I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Finally
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”