I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
oh my god
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic