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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I just tested negative for patience.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
😅😅😅
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Incredible customer service.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.