Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me if I was a dog
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”