*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
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Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..