What kind of a cult is this?
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The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her