I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
You Might Also Like
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Raisins are grape jerky.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.