Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.