Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
You Might Also Like
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
When someone says you are so lazy
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My safe word is Worcestershire
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.