Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out