This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?