Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
DOOO EEEET
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.