[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down