Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan