You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.