“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Yup
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.