“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Ah yes. The three genders
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”