I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water