“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them