Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
How to make infinite energy.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.