Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
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Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
the official breakfast of 2021
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
stop
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?