Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
You Might Also Like
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.