oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
You Might Also Like
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”