3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
You Might Also Like
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
3% human
97% stress
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I missed you with all my darts
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.