Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Taking phone security to the next level.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
meanwhile over on facebook
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy