Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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Do not steal food from the science building!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
#inspiration #foodforthought
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.