“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
At what age should you put the tonsils back in