“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.