Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.