Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.