Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
is this meant to deter me
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart