Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.