Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You Might Also Like
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.