Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.