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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.