Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are