I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.