Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
an airline just for babies.