Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
You Might Also Like
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.